ARIZONA HUMOR

as told by Marshall Trimble

ARIZONA BRAGS PART 2 

Arizonans live by their myths and legends.  It’s a land of anomalies and tamales.  We have birds that run faster than they fly, flowers that bloom only at night, the hottest and coldest national temperatures on the same day.  The only poisonous lizard in the United States calls Arizona home.  The nation’s most dangerous scorpion, the bark, is prolific in the state.  And it doesn’t bark before it stings.  Our annual rainfall averages from thirty inches a year in the White Mountains to about three around Yuma .  Arizona ’s creeks usually have more water flowing than the rivers.  One river is so new it’s never had any water in it.  That’s why they call it New River .

            Arizona is also home to nature’s grandest architectural masterpiece….the grandest canyon of them all….designed by Frank Lloyd Wright and built by Del Webb Construction Company.

            Arizona is larger than all of New England, plus Pennsylvania and Delaware .  Maricopa County is larger than the state of Massachusetts .   Tiny Santa Cruz County is larger than at least seventeen nations in the world.

            The town of Gila Bend isn’t in Gila County , it’s in Maricopa County .  The town of Maricopa is in Pinal County .  The town of Pima isn’t in Pima County , it’s in Graham County .  Fort Apache isn’t in Apache County , it’s in Navajo County , and the town of Navajo is located in Apache County .

            When folks in the greater Phoenix area head south they say they’re going “down to Tucson .”  Actually they’re going up to Tucson as the Old Pueblo is a thousand feet higher in elevation.  In Tucson it’s impossible to purchase a compass.  Tucsonans refuse to sell anything that points towards Phoenix . 

            The Santa Cruz River flows north past Tucson .  That’s contrary to most of Arizona ’s rivers that flow south or southwest (when they have any water).  All the state’s excess water flows towards Yuma .

            Native Arizonans are scarce as horseflies in December. The best place to find one is in a maternity ward.  Every naturalized Arizonan is required to remember two dates; mom’s birthday and the month, day, year and hour they arrived here to stay.  Seniority status and bragging rights begin on the date of your arrival.  Poker rules apply.  Fifteen years beats ten; ten beats five; and one summer beats a pair of winters.

            Old timers like to brag about the spectacular real estate deal they missed out on.  First liar never has a chance.

            “I coulda bought that for ten bucks an acre back in 1956,” says one, “but I needed the money to pay the electric bill.”

            The next one says, “Del Webb wanted me as a full partner back in ’46 but I had a good job as a streetcar conductor.”